10 Lessons Learnt from 10 Years ‘Trying’!
After 10 years of trying to conceive, I've picked up a few things along the way I really wish I had known back when I started. These are the things that could've saved me time, energy, and a whole lot of stress. In this post, I’m sharing 10 of those lessons with you—straight from the heart, no fluff. If you’re in the middle of your own battle, maybe these insights can help you too.
1. Understand your body but not at the expense of your sanity!
Tracking your cycles and looking for signs of ovulation can be helpful in understanding your fertility window and increasing your chances of conception. However, it's important to approach this practice with balance. Whilst monitoring your cycle, be mindful not to let it dominate your thoughts or daily life, as this can lead to unnecessary stress and worry. Your well-being is paramount, and a relaxed approach can often be more beneficial in the long run.
"I remember waking up one Sunday morning, consumed by frustration and exhaustion. Without a second thought, I grabbed a black bin liner and stormed around the house, shoving in every basal body temperature recording and cervical mucus chart—every piece of data that had ruled my life for far too long. In that moment, I wasn’t just clearing clutter; I was releasing years of pressure, grief, and the relentless pursuit of control. It was my breaking point—but maybe, in some ways, it was also the beginning of letting go."
2. Seek expert help early and don’t be afraid to question advice
Don’t wait too long before seeking professional advice. Reproductive specialists can offer insights and treatments that might not be apparent on your own. Don't be afraid to ask questions and advocate for yourself—understanding every aspect of your fertility journey can empower you to make informed decisions. Remember, it's okay to question things and seek second opinions if something doesn't feel right. Your path to parenthood deserves the best support and information available.
"Looking back, I was fortunate to have an incredible fertility consultant supporting me. But now, years later, I realise I never truly stopped to question anything. I threw myself into IVF at full throttle, without fully understanding the root cause of my infertility. I was labelled with ‘unexplained infertility’—a term that, at the time, I simply accepted. But in hindsight, I now see it as ‘unexplored infertility.’ There were questions left unanswered, avenues left unexplored, and a path that perhaps could have been approached with more clarity."
3. Prepare answers for unwanted advice and questions
Quite often people without experience of infertility will want to give you advice and this can be challenging. Facing negative comments or questions about your fertility can be tough but try to see them as chances to educate others. Explain your situation calmly to dispel myths. If the conversation is uncomfortable, it's okay to redirect. Briefly acknowledge with, "It's a personal journey, and I'm handling it with my healthcare team," or set boundaries by saying, "I appreciate your concern, but I'd prefer not to discuss this right now."
"I’ll never forget being at a family party when one of my Dad’s close friends—someone I had known my entire life—casually asked how things were going with trying for a baby. Cue instant awkwardness. As if that wasn’t uncomfortable enough, he then launched into a story about his wife’s own struggles conceiving, casually dismissing it as a lack of sex. Apparently, she ‘wasn’t that into it,’ and in his mind, that was the sole reason they hadn’t gotten pregnant sooner. Then came the implied judgment—that our own challenges must have been down to the same thing. I felt the heat rising in my face, the overwhelming urge to vanish. In that moment, I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole."
4. It’s OK to take a break
When the process becomes overwhelming, it's okay to step back and breathe. Pausing provides mental and emotional space to see the bigger picture and re-evaluate. This rest period helps you recharge, gain new perspectives, and approach your journey with clarity and determination. Your well-being is crucial, so give yourself permission to step back when needed.
"Each month that passed without a positive test felt like another door closing—my chances slipping further away. The relentless pressure of my ticking biological clock consumed me, making every failed attempt feel heavier than the last. Looking back, I can only imagine the emotional load my body was carrying—the stress, the anxiety, the silent weight of it all. My nervous system must have been in overdrive, with cortisol levels sky-high, disrupting my sleep, throwing my hormones off balance, affecting my weight, and weakening my immune system. The very stress of trying so desperately may have been doing more harm than good."
5. Set Realistic Goals
When facing infertility, it's crucial to focus on what you can control rather than setting targets that may cause stress and disappointment. Pressuring yourself with specific outcomes can increase frustration. By setting realistic goals that centre on your well-being and the steps you can take, you create a more supportive environment throughout your journey.
"For years, I would tell myself, ‘I’ll be pregnant by Christmas,’ never imagining that the journey would stretch on for a decade. Each passing holiday became another painful milestone—another Christmas spent masking disappointment behind forced smiles. In hindsight, tying my hopes to a timeline only made the heartache more intense, turning every unmet expectation into a crushing blow. I struggled to accept that life wasn’t unfolding the way I had planned, clinging desperately to the belief that things should have been different. If I had worked through those emotions at the time, I know I would have been in a much healthier headspace—more at peace with the present, instead of lost in the weight of what could have been."
6. Don’t forget self-care!
The fast-paced, high-pressure nature of the Western world isn’t exactly fertile ground for… well, fertility. We’re conditioned to push through exhaustion, prioritise productivity, and constantly chase the next goal, often at the expense of our own well-being. Rest is seen as indulgent, slowing down feels like failure, and stress becomes a way of life. But the body isn’t designed to thrive under chronic pressure—especially when trying to conceive. Fertility flourishes when the nervous system feels safe, when there’s space to breathe, and when rest is embraced, not ignored. Yet in a world that celebrates hustle over balance, we forget the simple but crucial act of just being."
"Between fertility appointments, a demanding work life, and the seemingly never-ending task of renovating our crumbling 1930s semi, self-care was the last thing on my list. I was so focused on doing everything right that I didn’t stop to consider the toll it was taking on me. But slowing down—taking time for yourself—is just as important as prepping the spare room (perhaps even more so!). Prioritising self-care isn’t just about relaxation; it’s about maintaining both physical and emotional well-being. Chronic stress disrupts sleep, hormone balance, and overall health, whereas nourishing your body with rest, movement, and balanced nutrition creates the strongest foundation for conception."
7. Communicating with your partner, family and friends helps a positive mindset
Open and honest communication with your partner or support system is so important when trying for a baby. Sharing your fears, hopes, and feelings helps to stay connected. Timed sex can be challenging and draining, so focusing on intimacy and connection rather than just conception really does help. Ensure you pencil in some date nights that are free from baby talk! Remember, it's important not to blame each other—supporting one another makes the journey more manageable.
"I remember feeling a deep sense of shame when I was diagnosed with depression. Even though I had a strong, supportive relationship with my husband, I kept my feelings bottled up and rarely spoke about them with my family. In hindsight, I realise that by opening up, I could have helped them understand the heartbreak I was silently carrying. I have a tendency to expect people to just get it, but when they don’t, frustration and resentment build. If I had shared more, I know it would have strengthened my connection with my family and given me the support I needed to cultivate a more positive mindset during such a difficult time."
8. Start financial planning
The financial burden of fertility treatments adds stress, with costs for medications, consultations and travel. Budgeting carefully and exploring financial support like private insurance coverage, grants, payment plans and employer support can help lessen the stress. Communicate openly with your partner about finances and seek professional advice if needed.
"We were incredibly fortunate to have our IVF cycles funded through the NHS, but that didn’t mean the journey came without financial strain. Additional costs quickly added up—further testing, specific fertility medications, blood work—all things we hadn’t fully anticipated. On top of that, I was eager to try fertility acupuncture, so I did my best to work it into the budget. But what we hadn’t considered was the financial impact of me reducing my work hours after my depression diagnosis. I needed to step back, but we hadn’t planned for the strain it would put on us. Looking back, I see how lucky we were to have NHS support, but I also realise how crucial it is to prepare for the hidden financial burdens that come with the emotional and physical toll of fertility treatment."
9. Lifestyle matters BUT be kind to you and your partner!
Aiming for a healthy lifestyle while trying to conceive is important, but it's also crucial to be kind to yourself. Strive for balanced nutrition, regular exercise, and self-care, but remember that perfection isn't the goal. Consistency over time, not flawless adherence, is key. It’s OK to have the odd processed food, don’t beat yourself up over it!
"I remember the time when my partner finally hit his breaking point. I had fully committed to optimising fertility—green smoothies, perfectly portioned meals, yoga at dawn—while he just wanted to live his life without being interrogated over every bite. One night, as I plated yet another nutrient-packed meal, he sighed and pushed his chair back. ‘Hun, I love you, but I cannot eat another chia seed.’ I gasped. ‘You didn’t even add the flaxseeds, did you?’ His face said it all—he was done. He longed for pizza, burgers, anything that wasn’t designed to improve follicle function. And in that moment, I realised… maybe I had taken things a little too far.’"
10. Acknowledge that your feelings are totally valid and normal
"Feeling jealous when friends and family announce pregnancies is a natural, human response—especially when you’ve been longing for your own. It doesn’t mean you’re not happy for them; it just means their joy highlights your own heartache. Acknowledging these emotions, rather than pushing them away, is essential. You’re not alone in this, and it doesn’t make you selfish or unkind—it makes you someone who has been through an incredibly tough journey. Give yourself grace, allow space for those feelings, and know that you’re navigating something deeply challenging with strength and resilience.
“I’ll always remember the Christmas when I overheard my little sister—pregnant with her first child—talking to my mum about getting the cot down from the loft, the one a cousin had passed on to us. It felt like a punch to the gut. That cot should have been mine to use first, but instead, it was a painful reminder of the baby I had lost just months before. Overcome with emotion, I stormed out of the house, unable to bear the conversation. On a day already heavy with disappointment—Christmas, my annual marker of another year gone—I felt their excitement was completely insensitive. But with time, I’ve come to see it differently. They weren’t trying to hurt me; they were simply caught up in their own joy. That realisation doesn’t erase the pain I felt in that moment, but it does help soften its edges."
Looking back on those ten years, I can see just how much my journey has shaped me—not just in the pursuit of becoming a parent, but in who I am as a person today. The highs, the heartbreaks, the lessons I never expected to learn—they’ve all led me to a place of deeper understanding and resilience. If there’s one thing I’ve realised, it’s that the road to fertility isn’t just about getting pregnant; it’s about navigating life with grace, patience, and self-compassion. No matter where your path takes you, you are stronger than you think, and you are never alone in this.
